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 Rhubarb Information and Facts

Dear Boss Warlock:

Help!

As a native Midwesterner, I know that it's wrong to buy rhubarb, but—in a moment of weakness—I actually did. From a store, no less.

Now my guilt over what I've done is crushing me. Please, what can I do to get clean of it?


Guilty in Galena

 

Dear Guilty:

I'm afraid there are some crimes that are beyond even Boss Warlock's power to forgive.

By your own admission, you bought—actually paid money for—rhubarb, knowing that what you were doing was wrong. The fact is, there's no way that you can get clean of a crime of such magnitude. Basically, Guilty, you're screwed.

(For the benefit of the non-Midwesterners among us, let me explain that Guilty—by his own admission—has violated one of the prime taboos of Midwestern culture. Every Midwesterner is born knowing that you never buy rhubarb. As a proper Midwesterner, you should have your own clump, growing out by the back door. Even if you can't grow your own—say you're a renter somewhere—you should be able to get your rhubarb from friends or relatives who, of course, have their own clumps growing out by the back door.)

No, Guilty, by violating this taboo, you have laid yourself open to the Curse. For the next twelve months, you will be buried in rhubarb. Once word gets out—and, believe me, I've already hacked into your account and let every single one of your contacts know—everyone within three degrees of separation will be giving you rhubarb. In fact, I've already over-nighted you some from my own garden. Expect it by tomorrow.

Here's your only hope, Guilty: get your butt over to somebody's house and get a plug from their rhubarb. (No, for gods' sakes, don't go to a lawn center and buy a plug! What are you, suicidal?!)

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Recent Comments - Show all comments
  • Steven Posch
    Steven Posch says #
    One of my plants didn't make it through the winter, either. If this is an omen, i wonder what it means.
  • Kile Martz
    Kile Martz says #
    I had two impressive plants in the garden down by the river for many years -- chunks from a friends yard, of course. I expected th
  • Steven Posch
    Steven Posch says #
    Sorry, Transplant, ignorance of the law is no excuse. Prepare to be inundated. You may want to check out my new book, 1303 Things
  • Katie
    Katie says #
    Dear Boss Warlock, Oh, dear! I must be truly cursed... over the years past, I have bought Rhubarb because the clump in my back ya

 

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Ritual Knotting – Cords to Strengthen Your Life’s Energy

All you need is a paper scroll and a length of red thread or cord. The color red signifies life and active energy. After you feel you have fully focused your energy into the scroll, roll it up.

Now, proceed to tie knots in the order of the following traditional chant:

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b2ap3_thumbnail_1795893_10201730522647968_672183921_o.jpg

“Are you a bruja (witch)?” I asked Abuela Petra on a hot summer day in New York.  I wanted to know more about her fortune telling business.

Abuela stared at me with a distant gaze.  I felt drops of sweat glistening on my forehead as I remembered Abuela’s devotion to the Virgin Mary.  In a tremulous voice I asked: “Did I insult you?”  

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Privacy Magic: Banish Space Invaders

Is your office mate overly interested in your conversations with your mom? Do you have nosy neighbors or a nightmare roommate? Combat other people’s cluelessness with crystals! If you have problems with the people next door, place jet at your door or bury it by the fence. If you have an intrusive housemate or guest, place jet on the mantle or bookshelves and wear jet jewelry to take back your personal space straightaway. This is a wonderfully respectful and peacekeeping way to honor your need for solitude that harms no one. Use this spell anytime you need protection from “space invaders.” Nosy people are often lonely so, when the time is right, offer a cup of tea and a chat and you will be doubtless rewarded for your largesse tenfold. Kindness is a very powerful magic.

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Posted by on in Culture Blogs

 

 

Every culture needs an opening phrase that says: This story is set in mythic time.

“Once upon a time” says: folktale, not myth.

“In the beginning” is the wrong world, and (moreover) a mistranslation.

“In the Dreamtime” is profound, but it's someone else's profundity.

So lately I've settled upon “When Earth was young....”

It's a resonant phrase, this. Few are older than Earth, and surely none that we know (or love) so well. “Old as Earth,” we say. Surely when Earth was young means long ago, before things were as they are today, which is always a good way to begin a story.

I love that the phrase makes Earth a character in our story. We're the pagans; for us, Earth is a character in every story. Even if the story isn't directly about her, she's still a necessary character. If the story were directly about her, I would probably start off with a variation: Back when Earth was a girl....

I've even heard myself use the phrase in satire, as a way of making fun: In the early days of Paganistan, back when Earth was young....

Here's the best part of all, and the part that makes it mythic: we all know that time ourselves. We know it because we've seen it. In fact, we see it every year.

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Magic on the Move – Parking Pendant

Hang a red jasper crystal attached to a string on your rearview mirror in your car and your parking problems will soon be over. When you need a spot, touch the jasper and say, “See the parking spot; be the parking spot.” Remember to always give thanks to the parking gods and goddesses to remain in their favor.

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