I was married five years ago. Now I am not. My divorce was awful (surprise). My ex-husband was abusive. I had a bad experience in bible college. I was hurt by the church.
When I talk to Christians, I inevitably face a myriad of questions about these experiences, followed by condolences and apologies and reflections of how sad and hard it must have all been. It was sad and hard. And in the years that followed I have healed, I have learned, I have grown, I have fallen in love, with wonderful people, with my life, with my community, with Spirit, and with myself. I am happier now than ever before. My life is not a collection of knee-jerk reactions to pain.
So I had an awful divorce (ever heard of a pleasant one?) but that is not the reason I am polyamorous. After my divorce I spent a year of self-imposed celibacy. I worked through painful memories, learning forgiveness. I released much anger, sadness, disappointment, and fear. After a while I felt excited at the prospect of once again meeting a man to whom I would make a life-long commitment of marriage. But instead I met someone with whom I chose to explore polyamory. It was with much trepidation that I stepped outside of the familiar framework of monogamy. To my surprise I felt an instant resonance with polyamory. It was like a missing piece of my life snapped into its proper place. Last week I celebrated my 2 year anniversary with one partner and am looking forward to celebrating 3 year with another one soon. Yet in the eyes of my Christian friends, these relationships are reduced to a pathological response to a divorce that happened half a decade ago.