My path through discovering myself as a mother, teacher and self.
Braver Than You Think
Sometimes it is easier to just sit back and not try to take that step forward. Maybe dealing with the negativity that has become so common in my life is easier than stepping into the unknown. But by dealing with this negativity I have noticed that over the pasts two years my health has declined, my motivation has declined, as well, my positive attitude and outlook has declined.
I have sat through almost two complete new moon cycles since my last blog post without writing or reading, just taking my free time to contemplate and reflect.
I thought that moving to this small town would help me to find my peace, would help me to find my ground, would help me to find myself. I am realizing now, as I sit and reflect over the past week and looking back over the years, that I had found myself many years ago. I found myself the first time I took that giant step into the unknown and moved to Maryland without knowing anyone else in the whole state save for my boyfriend at that time. I had found my strength, my independence, my curiosity.
Those qualities are important for a young adult of 20 years old. I had several people tell me that I couldn’t be in the career that I wanted to be in, that I couldn’t make it living on my own, that I wasn’t meant to be in a congested area like that. I may not have gotten into the career path that I wanted right at that time, but as time went on doors opened and I had experienced careers that helped me grow, that helped me to broaden my horizons, that helped me find stability within myself. I was lucky enough to find apartments that were perfect for a single woman who was so naïve and so trusting of people. And yes, after growing up in a small town where I knew nearly every person around, moving to a highly populated area was a bit unnerving. But there was a part of me that really enjoyed it, it was like a television show, people doing and acting in ways that just would not be acceptable in my hometown. Yet there was a connection between the people that seemed to flow deep within their souls, as if they all knew that they were in the same situation as many others and they were ultimately there to assist should a need arise. A community spirit of sorts.
Looking back now, I probably would not have changed a thing, I would have done it all over again. Even though I was reckless and too trusting. I learned just how strong I was. I resisted the urge to take the easy route and move back to that small town.
Each new job, although it still was secretarial or clerical in nature was still a step, a brave step into a new direction.
Then getting married for the first time. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t the relationship that I needed to be in. Funny thing is, I knew the night of my wedding as I looked into the mirror - probably the first time I remember scrying - that this marriage would not last, yet I still walked on. On through a relationship that was worse than ‘Sleeping With The Enemy’, I found my strength in my daily routine, in walking into the house and knowing that I was going to be beaten. As I lay in my bed at night and watched the moon float across the sky, she told me, there was an end, there was hope, just hold on. I kept my faith in that moon.
I found new strength the day that I stood before that wretched man and told him that I would not walk back into his life, even though he asked and made promises to the requests that I had been asking for over five years, I stood strong, and trusted my gut and that moon and said no. After trying to make a relationship work for over eight years, I walked out the door with a new and refreshed feeling, knowing that I had found a new strength. I broke a pattern of comforted knowing for my own well being.
Later I walked right into the arms of another man, a gentler man, a caring man, a new husband. I found new trust.
So why have I let this move back to this small town bother me so over the past few years? Why have I continued to question whether this is a good move, a smart move? My children are happy, secure, content. My husband is happy. Me, I’m questioning. I feel isolated at times. I miss the open-minded friends that I had in Maryland. I miss my Reiki group, I miss my book stores, I miss the convenience of it all. I miss feeling emotionally free. The freedom to be and believe as I am. Here I’m so afraid to let who I am down deep out, I must hide it all. I remember my grandmother (who’s house I know live in), hermitting herself away and living as she believed. She only came out to socialize when she felt that it was “time” just to keep up appearances. I feel that I am slowly becoming like her. Maybe it is as it should be.
So for these past two new moons I looked inward. The first was when I wrote my last blog post. After saying my blessings for everyone, I started asking for blessings for me. I asked for a sign that I am in the right place. I asked for a change. The Earth moved and turned and soon it was a full moon. Right at the beginning of her fullness our community lost a young man, a friend of my son, a distant relative. The pain was overbearing. Watching as the community and surrounding communities mourned his death was moving. Even though I did not want my son to go through the pain of this loss, it was heartwarming to see how maturely he was able, at 14, to wrap his head around the whole situation. I watched as the goddess came out in all her light and glory, and I asked for stability, for insight into a new job, for a new found reflection into my life, and I asked her to shine her light onto me and give me inner strength. She bowed her head and slowly turned her dark side onto me. I started to misunderstand her darkness, believing that she was showing me that this was not a place for me, that I needed a move, a change, an up-heaving of my family again and move. I was falling into that dark well of despair, believing that there were no jobs out there for me that would pay even a little more than what I was currently being paid. None that would relieve me of the negative energy that sat in the office next to mine and drained me daily. The potential jobs that I would hear from told me I was overly qualified or they wanted to hire me at too low of a wage. I resigned to the fact that I was stuck, I needed a stable income. Negativity or not…stuck.
And for another new moon, falling into the blackness. Financial strain, emotional strain, health strain. Looking at my family and praying that they hold me together even though they had no idea that internally I was starting to fall apart. I stopped looking up at her.
And still the Earth turned and the goddess started to don her white and become full of silvery shimmer. I felt sickness coming on, full blown illness. I had no strength or desire to look at her, to wear the pendant that reminds me of her beauty, I had started to lose desire. Insomnia hit the night of her fullest, and plagued me for days afterwards.
But something happened in that early stages of illness and sleeplessness….that Monday, a call came to me, a call that has forced me to take a new leap into a new career and into a new found strength and hope. I have been contacted by a local college to teach. Teach. Something completely out of my comfort zone (save for teaching Reiki or belly dancing), something new, something challenging. Even though the worse part of the sickness hit after the call on Monday and interview on Tuesday, and lead me to truly believe that I was hallucinating and it was really still Sunday morning and I was still laying under the silver beams of this beautiful goddess, I stepped forward and took a leap of faith.
So this new moon I shall reflect. Reflect on the wonderful family that I have, the strength that they each have and share, the blessings of a small community, the lessons I have learned in my ability to let go of a negative job with grace and without accusation. The coming of spring and being able to be out in nature again without freezing my backside off (or anything else that happens to get too cold). And the blessings of starting a new job on the abundance side of this dark moon.
And the lesson I take away from all this? Welcome the black but never give in to that dark despair, there is always a sliver of light through all that darkness in the sky. I am living proof. I am braver than I thought.
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