Peacock God

I feel less chatty at the beginning of this Month for Loki than I planned or pictured. A month for my Beloved is fun, right? Write ALL the things for Loki! Whee!

Yes and no. When Loki first appeared as Himself, He made it clear to me that He wanted ALL of me, not just the bits that I thought were good enough for public consumption. And He’s also always wanted me to be a public wife. “You are not to be hidden,” He’s said, and He’s not kidding. Any time I’ve been tempted to say f*ck it and hide, He’s shoved me right back out there, to talk about Him, but also to talk about myself, which I dislike.

There. Now y’all know a secret about me. I don’t actually like sharing much about me, but I do it because He asks me to be public. I’m not shy, but in His words, “I’m easy to know, but not easy to know well,” and that’s because I have a level of reserve that He’s been slowly chipping away at, bit by bit. All of my bits, they’re all His. So when I asked Him what He wanted for His month of celebration, His answer was essentially, “Stop avoiding being yourself. Stop hiding.”

And it’s not so much that I’m hiding who or what I am as I’m avoiding doing the things that come  naturally to me: writing and witching. Yes, I write the blog. But I can and have written books, but I quit doing it after I got sick, and apparently I need to start doing that again. But He wants stuff about us written, and that involves me talking about me, which I don’t enjoy, because I associate Being Seen, particularly Being Seen as Desirable with danger – I was date raped, and my rapist made a point of telling me that I was so pretty, and dressed that way, how could I not be asking for it? And while that was years ago, I’ve also been stalked recently, and it took involving law enforcement to get the stalker to leave me alone. So somewhere in all my thinky thoughts, I associate camouflage with safety.

To counter that crap with a clue-by-four, He sent the Peacock God to visit me. He’s a Feri Deity, and as some of y’all know, I love Feri and plan on taking formal training in the trad from Veedub next year. And much thanks to Jim for helping me sort that – y’all should check him out if you just want to meet someone awesome who is Lokean and Feri. The Peacock God is all about getting you comfortable with your own power and desire, and because I’m aware that I can manifest like whoa, I tend to be very circumspect in using the ability.

Loki doesn’t agree with that perspective. “Name your desire,” He says.

Very well, Beloved. I want to get over my fear and get on with being myself. Hail to You, O my Relentless One.