Q: What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Wiccan?

A: Three Watchtowers.

 

The Jehovah's Witness stood at the door, holding up a copy of The Watchtower. My mouth literally fell open when I saw the title.

 

Isis Is Still Being Worshiped.

In this very room, as a matter of fact, I thought.

“I don't have time to talk, and I can't give you any money,” I told her, “but I'll be happy to take a look at your literature if you leave it here.”

Turned out to be an anti-Catholic tirade. Boy, was I ever disappointed.

Proselytizers. I hates 'em. Is there anything so non-pagan as a missionary?

 

I'm a pagan, and one of our people's most important cultural values is hospitality. I try to maintain the highest standards of hospitality towards guests in my home that I possibly can. But I draw the line at proselytizers.

My friend and colleague Cei Serith holds that hospitality rules apply even to roving JWs who show up uninvited on the doorstep.

Well, probably Cei is a better person than I am. He may even be a better pagan than I am, too. Well, let him listen, if he will. I'm sorry, but I just can't.

In my book, proselytizing is a vile breach of hospitality. It's like walking into someone's house and taking a shit on the table: it's unconscionable. The kicker is, that the proselytizers don't even realize how rude they're being. The laws of hospitality apply to everyone, yes, but I'm afraid there's only so far I can go. That's how we went down in the first place.

When someone comes into your house and pulls a gun on you, do the laws of hospitality still apply?

The paganisms are ultimately tribal religions (like the Hinduisms and Judaism, for that matter: two other non-proselytizing religions), and they're not for everybody. When the repairman comes to fix the plumbing in the temple bathroom, I cover the images and put the holy things away. Some things are not for everybody's eyes.

So far as I'm concerned, the Zuñi elders have the final word here. “How can they expect us to take their religion seriously,” they ask, “when they throw it away as if it weren't worth anything?”

A JW came to a friend's house.

“See that?” my friend said, pointing to the mezzuza on the doorpost. “This is a Jewish household. We have our own religion; we're not interested in yours.”

The JW looked thoughtful. “Jews?” she said. “Oh, there's a lot about Jews in the Bible.”

My friend started to laugh.

“You're damn right there is, lady,” she heard herself say. “We wrote it!”

Slam.

In its arrogant assault on spiritual autonomy, it seems to me that all proselytizing—no matter how well-intentioned—must necessarily in the end be accounted hostile (if not downright violent) behavior.

And that's why we need those extra Watchtowers.

 

The Prospect Park Witch's Hat Tower (1913), shown above, stands on the highest point in Hennepin County, Minnesota (N 44° 58.125 W 093°). Designed by Frederick William Capelen, it is one of Minneapolis' most distinctive landmarks, and has been the site (as one would expect) of pagan ritual since the late 70s. It figures prominently in Emma Bull's urban elves fantasy, War for the Oaks.