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Subscribe to this list via RSS Blog posts tagged in fake news

Posted by on in Culture Blogs

 

Special coverage: White House coronavirus briefing for March 20 | WRVO  Public Media

 

AP: Washington D. C.

Twenty-four hours after being locked out of his Twitter account, the lifeless body of Donald Trump has been discovered in a White House bedroom.

“It would appear that the immediate cause of death was spontaneous cranial frangor,” said Trump's personal physician, Dr. Malachi Mavet, adding: “In short, his head exploded.”

Doctors at Walter Reed Medical Center suggested that the inability to Tweet may well have precipitated the explosion. Trump, of course, has long been known for his compulsive and logorrheic Tweetstorming.

“His last action as president was, literally, to paint the room red,” said a close personal aide, speaking on condition of anonymity.

While investigators found no evidence of foul play, the investigating FBI forensics team was mystified by the total lack of any cerebral material.

“There's blood, hair, skin, and skull here everywhere,” said one investigator, “but so far no brain matter.”

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  • Jamie
    Jamie says #
    Mr. Posch, Maybe it really happened, and he got re-animated by the Q-Anon Shaman...with his magical American flag spear. I can t

Papadopoulos claimed Trump phone call and larger campaign role - POLITICO

 

AP, Washington D.C.

It took nearly six weeks, but Donald Trump has finally acknowledged that he did, indeed, lose the election, and has called President-Elect Joe Biden to offer his congratulations.

“Even a big, whiny baby like me has to man up and face reality eventually,” Trump told Biden on Tuesday. “I don't know why it's taken me so long to pull my head out of my own ass. You beat me fair and square, and it's time for me to stop pouting like a spoiled little girl and admit it.”

Trump's unexpected change of heart stunned his opponent and left him momentarily speechless.

Undaunted, Trump continued. “My presidency has been a total disaster from beginning to end. I'm a loser, a moron, and an incompetent. It's time for me to get my ugly, fat ass out of here and make room for someone who can clean up the mess that I've made of this job, and of this nation.”

"I have to admit, Joe, you were right," he told Biden in a moment of uncharacteristic candor. "I really have been the worst president this country has ever had. While Americans are dying at the rate of two per minute, I've been holed up at the White House pitching hissy fits. I've totally mishandled this pandemic from the start, and the blood of more than 300,000 of my fellow-citizens is on my hands. I'll never live down the shame of it. They really should call it the 'Trump virus'."

When asked about his post-White House plans, Trump responded, “I'm finished with politics. Assuming they don't throw me in jail—where, frankly, I deserve to be—I'm going back to Mar-a-Lago and playing golf for the rest of my life. It's the only thing that I'm fit to do,” adding: “Meanwhile, I'm going to order my pathetic staff of lickspittles and toadies to do everything that they can to ease the transition to a real government. I'm delusional, a total loser, I've made a mess of everything I've touched, and it's time for me to get out of the way and let a better man take over.”

Trump's sudden about-face has stunned the Republican establishment.

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McConnell Spearheads Vote to Send Covid-Impregnated PPEs to Blue States

AP: Washington, DC

Along strict party lines, the Republican-dominated US Senate voted Friday to allocate $5 billion to send masks and gloves impregnated with Covid-19 virus to all Blue States.

The controversial initiative, spearheaded by Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell (R KY), was lambasted by some as a blatant attempt to suppress Democratic turnout in this fall's upcoming presidential election.

McConnell denied such claims, while admitting that the action could have that effect. “We're only trying to level the playing field,” he told reporters. “With so many Red States deciding to prematurely lift anti-Covid stay-at-home orders, the effect on mindless idio—I mean, staunchly Republican voters—is virtually guaranteed to be devastating.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D CA) called the Senate's actions “cynical" and "disgraceful.”

Citing the recent decision of Wisconsin's Supreme Court—dominated by Republican-appointed judges—to force a Democratic primary election with the clear intent to endanger Left-leaning voters, McConnell retorted, “There's ample precedent for this kind of action in American history.”

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  • Steven Posch
    Steven Posch says #
    Thanks and good strength to you in your work, Anthony. And let us all say: So mote it be!
  • Anthony Gresham
    Anthony Gresham says #
    From Jan. 24, 2020 until March 2, 2020 I did a 40 day prayer ritual asking that my fellow citizens embrace their civil rights and

Posted by on in Culture Blogs
'I Hate America,' McConnell Admits

AP: Washington, D.C.

“I hate America,” Senator “Mitch” McConnell told Confederate Daily yesterday.

In a surprisingly candid interview, McConnell—senior senator from Kentucky (R) and Senate Majority leader since 2014—admitted to the largest online neo-Confederate journal that his entire political career has been, not only a sham, but a long-term political strategy to destroy the United States.

“My great-grandpappy fought and died to defend the right to own another human being,” he said. “In my family, we have long memories. Every single political decision that I've been part of making over the years has been intended to do maximum harm to the enemies of the Confederacy. Today I can say with pride that I've carried on great-grandpappy's fight, just in a different way.”

Long labelled an obstructionist, McConnell is perhaps best-known for his stonewalling of President Obama's candidate for the Supreme Court, an unprecedented action which opened the door for the appointment of arch-conservative Justice Neil Gorsuch. The recent decision of Justice Anthony Kennedy to retire virtually guarantees a second Trump appointee to the nation's highest Court.

“There's an incompetent in the White House, the Party of Lincoln is tearing itself to shreds, and we have a know-nothing, do-nothing Congress incapable of doing anything but tearing down what others have built. And now we've stacked the Supreme Court to guarantee injustice and civil unrest for the foreseeable future," he stated. "Yankee-killer that he was, great-grandpappy would be proud of me.”

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  • D’vorah K’lilah
    D’vorah K’lilah says #
    I fully believed every word! Was genuinely confused by the last two lines for a second there.
Researchers Warn of OES Danger to Pagan Elders

AP: Minneapolis, MN

University of Paganistan researchers released a report today warning of specific health risks affecting the pagan elder population.

Ossified Elder Syndrome (OES) is a condition known to affect certain pagans of the Baby Boom generation, although occasionally found among younger pagans as well.

The average OES sufferer figured everything out in 1972 and has seen no reason to reassess or reevaluate since then.

“That's dangerous in the long term,” said Dr. Tsemah Posner of Arkham University. “The pagan world has moved on since 1972.”

The newly-released 20-year study defines the condition as characterized by loss of flexibility, decreased cognitive function, and an inability to hear the voice of anyone under the age of 45.

Frequently accompanied by disorientation, unprovoked outbursts of anger, and loss of the ability to taste any flavor but bitter, OES can severely impact the quality of life of both the sufferer and those around him or her. It can, in rare cases, be fatal.

But the news is not all bad.

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  • Haley
    Haley says #
    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
US House OKs Private Ownership of Nukes, Cites Second Amendment

(Editor note: this story is satire.)

In a surprise party-line vote Tuesday, the US House of Representatives passed legislation that would legalize private ownership of nuclear weapons by American citizens.

“Today we move a step closer to realizing the original intentions of the Founding Fathers,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R) told reporters. “God bless the Second Amendment.”

Similar legislation is reportedly making its way through the Senate. “We have a mandate to keep our children safe,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R). “How do you stop some whack-o with an assault rifle? Easy: you outgun him. God bless the Second Amendment.”

President Ronald Rump has indicated that he would sign such legislation if it were to reach his desk.

“Crooked Hillary doesn't want the good people of this country to be able to own nukes, but I do,” he told FOX News yesterday.

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Posted by on in Culture Blogs
Twin Cities Killer Targets Mall Santas

AP: Minneapolis

Someone is killing the shopping mall Santas of Minneapolis-St. Paul.

Since Black Friday—a name which, in retrospect, sounds increasingly ominous—a total of nine Santas at Twin Cities area malls have been found murdered and, grotesquely, beheaded.

“Clearly, we've got a sick, twisted serial killer on our hands,” said Chief Stefano Pozzo of the Minneapolis Police Department. “These look like revenge killings, but revenge for what? Coal in the stocking?”

Authorities are mystified. Perhaps the most bizarre aspect of the killings has been the presence of piles of animal droppings at every crime scene.

In each case, University of Minnesota experts have identified the droppings as those of a sheep or a goat.

Not everyone, though, is mystified by the murders.

“The droppings clinch it,” said Stephanie Fox, high priestess emerita of Minneapolis. “It's Berchta for sure.”

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