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AP: Minneapolis

Watching the Superbowl makes you stupider.

That's what a new study at the University of Minnesota shows.

“The long-term evidence is irrefutable,” says Dr. Stefano Pozzo of U of M Fairview Hospital. “More than 30 years of clinical data demonstrate a clear correlation between football-watching and loss of intelligence.”

IQ tests administered before and after watching the Superbowl show a clear decline of intellectual capacity in virtually all watchers, ranging from a loss of 2-3 points to as many as 25 points.

“The real surprise,” said Pozzo, “is that anyone should be surprised to hear this. Any objective observer can see that American football is a stupid and brutal game. It makes those that play it stupid and brutal, and—as the evidence now shows—it makes those that watch it stupid and brutal as well.”

In fact, data suggests a strong correlation between football-watching generally and cognitive decline among fans, but for some reason Superbowl watchers are more strongly affected.

“Satanists in Christian Clothing”

AP: Mar-a-Lago, Florida

In a press conference Wednesday, President-Elect Trump admitted to having literally sold his soul to the Devil in order to win re-election.

“I summoned Him up myself, conjured Him up, at Halloween, just before the Election,” he told reporters, “that's His birthday, you know. You should have seen me, it was wild! He showed up, too—in person, of course. Hey, when the Donald calls, even the Devil comes.”

He laughed. “How else do you think a worthless, incompetent piece of sh*t like me could possibly have got back into office?”

“Talk about the Art of the Deal,” he continued. “I traded something that you can't even see—you can't even see it, everybody knows that—you can't smell it or taste it or hear it or feel it, some people would say it doesn't even exist. I signed the contract, the pact with the Devil—He's my buddy, you know, my good buddy—traded nothing for something, nothing, and now I'm going to be the most powerful man in the world!”

When asked if the revelation—which puts to rest the swirling cloud of rumors that have dogged his campaign since the election—would damage his popularity with Evangelical voters, a key voting bloc in his reelection, Trump laughed.

Jesus's pronouns are They, Them, and Their.

So, at least, says the Episcopal Conference of Bishops (ECB), at their recent annual meeting in Minneapolis.

“The Church is an institution of radical inclusivity,” said Bishop River Banks, presiding bishop of the American Episcopal Church. “Did Jesus come to save only those assigned male at birth? No! They came to save persons of all genders. If Jesus were alive today—and I believe that they are—their pronouns would be They, Them, and Their.”

"Be sure to get the capitals Ts on those pronouns," they added.

In a controversial decision, an overwhelming majority of acting bishops also voted to revise the liturgies of the Episcopal Church to reflect this new understanding and—even more controversially—to revise the Biblical text accordingly.

“Our understanding of Scripture, like that of the Constitution, is an evolving understanding,” said Banks. “We're not tampering with Scripture, as some have accused,” they added, “we're making it true to its own values.”

“'Radical inclusivity,' ha!” said dissenting Bishop Jack Whymer of Baltimore. “I'm out of here, and I'm taking my congregation with me.”

Prospects of yet another exodus from the Church's ranks do not worry Bishop Banks.

AP: Washington D. C.

Twenty-four hours after being locked out of his Twitter account, the lifeless body of Donald Trump has been discovered in a White House bedroom.

“It would appear that the immediate cause of death was spontaneous cranial frangor,” said Trump's personal physician, Dr. Malachi Mavet, adding: “In short, his head exploded.”

Doctors at Walter Reed Medical Center suggested that the inability to Tweet may well have precipitated the explosion. Trump, of course, has long been known for his compulsive and logorrheic Tweetstorming.

“His last action as president was, literally, to paint the room red,” said a close personal aide, speaking on condition of anonymity.

While investigators found no evidence of foul play, the investigating FBI forensics team was mystified by the total lack of any cerebral material.

“There's blood, hair, skin, and skull here everywhere,” said one investigator, “but so far no brain matter.”

AP, Washington D.C.

It took nearly six weeks, but Donald Trump has finally acknowledged that he did, indeed, lose the election, and has called President-Elect Joe Biden to offer his congratulations.

“Even a big, whiny baby like me has to man up and face reality eventually,” Trump told Biden on Tuesday. “I don't know why it's taken me so long to pull my head out of my own ass. You beat me fair and square, and it's time for me to stop pouting like a spoiled little girl and admit it.”

Trump's unexpected change of heart stunned his opponent and left him momentarily speechless.

Undaunted, Trump continued. “My presidency has been a total disaster from beginning to end. I'm a loser, a moron, and an incompetent. It's time for me to get my ugly, fat ass out of here and make room for someone who can clean up the mess that I've made of this job, and of this nation.”

"I have to admit, Joe, you were right," he told Biden in a moment of uncharacteristic candor. "I really have been the worst president this country has ever had. While Americans are dying at the rate of two per minute, I've been holed up at the White House pitching hissy fits. I've totally mishandled this pandemic from the start, and the blood of more than 300,000 of my fellow-citizens is on my hands. I'll never live down the shame of it. They really should call it the 'Trump virus'."

When asked about his post-White House plans, Trump responded, “I'm finished with politics. Assuming they don't throw me in jail—where, frankly, I deserve to be—I'm going back to Mar-a-Lago and playing golf for the rest of my life. It's the only thing that I'm fit to do,” adding: “Meanwhile, I'm going to order my pathetic staff of lickspittles and toadies to do everything that they can to ease the transition to a real government. I'm delusional, a total loser, I've made a mess of everything I've touched, and it's time for me to get out of the way and let a better man take over.”

Trump's sudden about-face has stunned the Republican establishment.

AP: Washington, DC

Along strict party lines, the Republican-dominated US Senate voted Friday to allocate $5 billion to send masks and gloves impregnated with Covid-19 virus to all Blue States.

The controversial initiative, spearheaded by Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell (R KY), was lambasted by some as a blatant attempt to suppress Democratic turnout in this fall's upcoming presidential election.

McConnell denied such claims, while admitting that the action could have that effect. “We're only trying to level the playing field,” he told reporters. “With so many Red States deciding to prematurely lift anti-Covid stay-at-home orders, the effect on mindless idio—I mean, staunchly Republican voters—is virtually guaranteed to be devastating.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D CA) called the Senate's actions “cynical" and "disgraceful.”

Citing the recent decision of Wisconsin's Supreme Court—dominated by Republican-appointed judges—to force a Democratic primary election with the clear intent to endanger Left-leaning voters, McConnell retorted, “There's ample precedent for this kind of action in American history.”

AP: Washington, D.C.

“I hate America,” Senator “Mitch” McConnell told Confederate Daily yesterday.

In a surprisingly candid interview, McConnell—senior senator from Kentucky (R) and Senate Majority leader since 2014—admitted to the largest online neo-Confederate journal that his entire political career has been, not only a sham, but a long-term political strategy to destroy the United States.

“My great-grandpappy fought and died to defend the right to own another human being,” he said. “In my family, we have long memories. Every single political decision that I've been part of making over the years has been intended to do maximum harm to the enemies of the Confederacy. Today I can say with pride that I've carried on great-grandpappy's fight, just in a different way.”

Long labelled an obstructionist, McConnell is perhaps best-known for his stonewalling of President Obama's candidate for the Supreme Court, an unprecedented action which opened the door for the appointment of arch-conservative Justice Neil Gorsuch. The recent decision of Justice Anthony Kennedy to retire virtually guarantees a second Trump appointee to the nation's highest Court.

“There's an incompetent in the White House, the Party of Lincoln is tearing itself to shreds, and we have a know-nothing, do-nothing Congress incapable of doing anything but tearing down what others have built. And now we've stacked the Supreme Court to guarantee injustice and civil unrest for the foreseeable future," he stated. "Yankee-killer that he was, great-grandpappy would be proud of me.”