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Posted by on in SageWoman Blogs
Remaining Wild and Untamed

I’ve been sober for 16 years today and tomorrow is the sixth birthday of my firstborn child, the magical synchronicity of the timing of that birth never leave me, as each year for the past six now the focus has shifted from self to her.. I feel ridiculously blessed to have a family who have only known me as a sober wife and mother. The woman I have grown into is one that I am proud to be, my priestessing path is serious and real and a precious practice has grown around all that I offer the world as priestess. Being a wife is a challenging and fulfilling spiritual path and one that I longed for for many moons before meeting my Beloved. Motherhood has knocked my socks off, finally I found a space to put the depth of passion, devotion, loyalty and I'll-die-for-you offering that this scorpio soul always searched for. Life is sweet, it is content, it is peaceful for the most part, it is a warm little dream. And so, at 16 years sober, spiritually fit with a loving and full home I took notice when I felt a stirring within the pit of my stomach, a hungry, growling, dangerous, enlivening stir.

 
I sat with that growl and reflected upon my sobriety and upon the stories that I have heard other sober sisters and brothers share about a beast that some alcoholics claim still lives within them, a beast that always want to drink a beast that will always be there to tear their life down if they feed it. As I reflected upon this beast and felt into my own inner stirrings of wildness I began to hypothesize that perhaps there's no alcoholic beast thirsting for a drink within us sober recovering souls at all, perhaps this sensation, this wildness in my gut was really a thirst for wildness and perhaps this hunger and thirst isn't specific to alcoholics only. 
 
The world tries to tame the wildness out of us, I see it every day as people wrinkle their noses at my wild maiden's unconstrained expression of emotions, it tries to box us in, to conform us, to quiet us and to dull us. When I think about my years before sobriety I remember the wildness that reigned untamed, complete destruction was the guiding force of my life and there was a thrilling sense of liberation in the lack of utter caring about how I appeared, how I hurt myself, what I did and who knew that I was doing it, all that mattered in those years was my quest for complete and utter annihilation and in those destructive years nothing and no-one could box me in. That was the only taste of freedom that I knew. To this day I make no bones about the fact that destruction is wildness, yet my soul will not be tamed it seems and so with destruction being wildness I have often wondered, on days like today when I feel that hunger stir, if destruction is wild why am I longing for it? Are there other forms of wildness beyond destruction? Can destruction be channeled in a manner that serves through what it destroys rather than ruins all that it touches? Is freedom and wildness synonymous?
 
These questions are quests in and of themselves, at the core of this quest I believe is a universal need, we all need to be wild and free, we need to be in order to fully merge into our Source selves. The role of the priestess after all is to merge this human experience with the experience of divinity, perhaps reconnecting to my wild self is the bridge that meets human with divine and this is why my soul will not slumber and my thirst remains unquenched.
 
On my priestess path I have come to the conclusion that yes, destruction can serve, in fact, the Destroyer is an archetypal expression of the Goddess, one that I know intimately as a continuously transmuting scorpio soul. When called upon in sovereignty the Destroyer sweeps in and destroys all that does not serve, rather than being out of my mind unconscious, under the spell of chemicals that my human vessel cannot safely ingest and haphazardly wielding around destructive spells that harm me and all those that I come into contact with, now I can channel the Destroyer within me and direct that energy towards all that stands between my Source self and I. There is freedom in this kind of destruction as it ensures that this world does not wear to closely on me and this destructive force challenges me to evaluate all that I have attachments to. There are other forms of wildness I have found in these past 16 years as well, the wildness of love, the wildness of birth, the wildness of untouched nature, the wildness of authenticity, yes there are many forms of wildness that I have discovered in consciousness and now it is my duty to keep my wildness alive and thriving and to do so in a way that serves humanity rather than adds to it's destruction.
 
16 years of sobriety and 6 years of motherhood is challenging me to stay wild, to stay authentic and to remain free. There are no social constructs of domesticity, age or gender that will hold my spirit back, when I feel that growl from within the pit of my stomach I welcome it and feed it with a healthy dose of freedom as I call upon the Destroyer archetype that is a part of my Goddess self to burn my attachments away and return to the nature of who I am in the regions of consciousness that remain pure, untouched and uninfluenced by the 3D matrix I have chosen to dive into for the time being. 
 
I will not allow the constructs that the patriarchy attempts to weave box me in.
I will not allow my wild nature to be tamed.
I will not slumber into unconsciousness..
I will not allow words such as 'sobriety', 'marriage' or 'motherhood' to dull my spark, rather will they be initiatory frequencies that I expand from.
I will remain wild.
I will remain free.
I will remain untamed.
I will remain sovereign.
I will remain priestess.
 
While we are on this embodied journey together, I hope to run into you, sister, brother, running, soaring, diving deeply around the spiral wheel, free, unfettered and utterly wild.
 
Cheers to 16 years!
 
Grace Be With You,
Priestess of Grace,
Candise Soaring Butterfly 
 
 
Image taken from http://www.reikilorient.com/2017/03/le-sacre-feminin.html
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Keeping the Flame of Twin Flame Love Alive

I really wanted to believe in Twin Flames, when I first read about them, something inside of me settled, the part of me that remembers Home before incarnating resonated with the idea of a Twin Flame.

 
A Twin Flame is your other half, literally you are one half of a soul and your Twin Flame is your other half, together you complete each other. The story goes that once upon a time we were androgynous creatures, as life continued to unfold we split into two beings and from that moment on we seek out, or in the least, sense that we have an 'other' out there.
 
The difference between a soul mate and a Twin Flame is that there is only one Twin Flame and there are many soul mates, soul mates are from your spiritual family, the tribe that you incarnate with over and over again. I knew that this was true because I have three soul mates, my sisterfriends that I have had since childhood, one of them is a soul mate that is so deep we would have married if the other had been born the opposite sex, it's fortunate that we weren't as I would have missed out on meeting my Twin Flame.
 
When I met him, I knew, I knew at once that love at first sight was real, that Twin Flames were real and that regardless of how our life unfolded I would be okay for having met him. As a writer I love the power of the spoken and written word, this personal encounter, what meeting my Twin Flame was like is one of the few areas that I feel as though I fall short. Prior to meeting him I had had a lot of 'this is the one's' and I could have easily heard a story like mine and thought 'yes! that's this one' only to find a few months later, once the newness had dissipated that it wasn't 'this one', this would have left me wondering, "are there really Twin Flames?" So while it is hard to encapsulate what the experience of finally meeting my Twin Flame was I can offer a few memories that have always stuck with me.
 
The first is that I wasn't excited, I was in joy and at peace all at the same time. A self-confessed relationship junky, it was quite common for me to become all a jitter when I met a new potential mate and to wonder when I would see them next, if they would call, what our future would be like, in one sitting I could have us married with babies, with my Twin I felt as though every second was quenching a thirst deep within me that I didn't believe would ever be quenched until after leaving the body behind. I longed with all of my being to be with him and also believed that there was a very good chance that wouldn't happen in this lifetime. I knew that I had found my Twin Flame and I had read that most Twin Flame encounters were intense and brief, that usually both Flames weren't at the same place in soul development to sustain a relationship and some people even believe that you don't meet your Twin Flame until your final incarnation. There are times that I hope that this will be my final incarnation, however if finishing the reincarnation process is determined by levels of enlightenment I highly doubt I am close to finishing up this cycle of death and rebirth. I knew as I sat and talked with him that I was most likely going to repeat incarnation and I saw that the circumstances of our lives were quite stacked against us, we lived in different countries on different coasts and he was wrestling with some very deep and dark demons, demons that I had met and overcome years before. 
 
And so, where I would normally have felt a manic need to control and plan I basked in the blessing at having met my Twin, I was overjoyed and surrendered. At the same time I began preparing for my human self to come in, I knew that she would, and she did, big time.
 
The two of us began a long distance relationship and the bliss of knowing that my Twin Flame was alive and well was overshadowed by the devastation of being separated by time and distance and the unknown. I was so shattered that I all but sabotaged any chance that we had to be, a few months in I had five days off of work, I booked a flight (an insanely impulsive move for me, I am quite frugal and planned) and went to see him, my plan was that I was going to be my most radiant, perfect expression of self, and on the last day, after meeting his friends and families and wowing them all I was going to break up with him, I figured that I could in the least be a lasting memory of what could have been, up until that point I had been behaving as nothing less than a basket case. This was my egotistical plan.
 
What happened was, that when I pretended to be free and happy the two of us were able to enjoy our visit, I became truly free and happy and we reconnected and it became clear to me, within my heart and soul that I was in, %100 until the very end, whether that be in a week or a month, I was going to see us through. From that point on we had a devastatingly sweet courtship, I flew him to see me every other month, our visits were all encompassing and full of passion and playfulness. I had always been so guarded about life and he reminded me to play and have fun. I would cry, openly weep and weep in his arms, rocked to the core that he was going to leave again and he would hold me, inside moved that anyone on earth could love him that much. I am not a crier, I wish I was, I love seeing the softer side of women and men who cry, I just seem to freeze up, but during this time I was an open well of tears.
 
Grace guided us, every night, with his permission I would light a candle and pray to the Goddess, I would connect to both of our spirit tribes and ask that they guide our steps, I would ask for the willingness to go to any lengths to be with him and for the willingness to let go if that be in our highest good. I asked for the doors to him living in my country to be opened or for me to be in his, if that was in alignment with the highest good.
 
The day that he immigrated to our country and crossed the country line in the airport I ran and jumped into his arms, just like in the movies and whispered to him "is it over?", "it's over," he assured me. What followed was nothing short of bliss, we had this sickeningly sweet habit in the daytime of calling out to one another "Honey," the other would answer "yes?" and the first would say "I'm at my zenith", life truly was like one long unending happily ever after. The Twin Flame challenge was over, grace had prevailed and living together and being together didn't get old.
 
I wish that was where our story ended, but it isn't. What came to follow was life, human realm life. I had ptsd, frozen, undiagnosed ptsd that I wasn't aware of, a year into our life after immigration and it unfroze and I froze. I couldn't feel my Twin Flame, I would see him beside me, see his tortured hazel eyes as he couldn't reach me and I felt nothing. He did everything for me, he cooked, cleaned, did the groceries, drove me around and snuggled me as I lie on the couch, deep in a well of darkness that I couldn't get myself out of. I spent the year in deep trauma therapy, shamanic work and support group connection, slowly I came out the other side, but something had changed. There was something about having been beside my Twin Flame but unable to access our love that had jaded me. Reconnecting to one another took dedication and faith, for a long time it was only the memory and the knowledge that he was my Twin that kept me walking forward.
 
After this time we got married and three days before our wedding I got pregnant, we were newlyweds preparing for our first child, he went to school and then 19 months after our daughter was born we moved across the country. Now we are floundering to find our roots in this new area, he is seeking out gainful employment and we are hunkered down at my parents house. Life is busy, stressful and very much concerned with the third dimension. Days go by where he works, we play with our daughter after work, I put her down and he falls asleep beside me as we watch a show. We yell at each other when the pressure gets high, we despair at times about what direction to take next. Sometimes he feels so much like an extension of me that I forget to observe him as my other.
 
After one particularly challenging weekend this past month I finally stopped, paused and went within, here beside me was the man that I had longed so fervently to have in my life for more than 14 consecutive days, he is my husband, the father of my child, the love of my life and I just couldn't access any of that. I began to wonder, what happens to the Twin Flames that stick it out, what happens to Happily Ever After, after?
 
I understand why writers create so many break ups in hit shows, besides the flare for the dramatic, it is hard to write about lasting passionate love without writing about what keeps the love going and that is an individual recipe and a mystery. Just because it is hard doesn't mean it is not possible. Here is what I have found, in order to keep the Twin Flame flame of our love activated, burning and as powerful as it was when we met I must make  the memory of our first meeting a working part of my day. There are three tools that I have found simplify and focus the intention of keeping our flame alive that have been working for me, they are:
 
  •  Prioritize: I need to prioritize the truth of our love, not only spending time together, but connecting to the depths of our love before addressing our daily life duties and responsibilities. Abraham Hicks teaches me to get into the vortex before beginning any work, I need to jump into the vortex of our Twin Flame connection before we begin working on our life as a team.
 
  • Trust, trust is a must in any relationship as far as I am concerned, the trust that I need in order to stay tuned into the high vibration of our love is the trust in the power of love. When we first fell in love people would remark about the two of us often, they would talk about what a 'good couple' we seemed to be or how 'well matched', people enjoyed being around us because the vibration of true love is pleasing. When I remember the power of being in the vortex of love I remember the power that him and I possess when we are connected as one. Which brings me to my other tool,
 
  • Remember the power of oneness. Oneness is such a deep spiritual principle, I have only ever caught an intellectual experience of it up until meeting my husband. Once we met I 'got it' him and I literally were one, just in two different bodies. When I remember our Oneness stressful thoughts about who does what, how to work as a team and who is on the beam for the day fade away. As long as I take care of my side of the street we are good, we are one. I know that he does his spirit work and works hard for us, so this is easy for me to practice, but it is also necessary, each meditation I do is a meditation that lifts us both up, every laugh that I take, each moment I surrender we are both lightened and loosened.
 
When I stick to these three simple reminders, to prioritize our love above the demands of third dimensional living, to trust the power of love to raise our vibration into an experience that sustains and fulfills us and to remember the power that we possess when consciously experiencing our merged oneness I am able to live in our Twin Flame love as if it were the first day all over again.
 
Life is wobbly for me right now. We are finding our legs in this new land. We are seeking out ways to live our vision in new territory. I am relearning how to co-habitate with my parents while we find our way. I do not feel settled yet. What I do have is contrast, a deep, soul wrenching contrast and this contrast is compelling me to reach deep within, to find my own centre of grounded faith. My faith in the Creator falters very little, my faith in my marriage and in the blessing that the two of us are together is being strengthened in the midst of this uncertainty.
 
My intention of marrying my Twin Flame was to commit to love him as the perfect expression of God and he me as the perfect expression of Goddess every day for the rest of our lives. To see his perfection behind the illusion of his human falterings and in this learning to be able to better love the world. That mission statement is one that uplifts all.
 
Beyond what the world gains from Twin Flame love lasting is the very personal gain that I receive, a place of warmth, joy and passion that weathers the storms of life's ups and downs and an experience of the other realm in the flesh, for Twin Flame love is magical and not of this world.
 
Twin Flame love is one of many ways to tap into these higher vibrations, there are many others that do not require a merging of two people, the Twin Flame path is one that I am on and one that I am continuing to learn about as I walk side by side with my other. To all of the light workers, to all of those Preistessing a new reality on Earth I bow to you and give my thanks, your walk lifts me up. To all of the Twin Flames that have stayed past the initial passionate ignition I honour and give thanks for your love, as we find our other and merge ourselves we become a stronger force for love, light and joy unto the world. 
 
Whatever your experience, we are all one and we are all walking closer to a collective merging into one great Flame of love united.
 
Grace Be With You,
Priestess of Grace,
Candise Soaring Butterfly
 
 
 
artist : Josephine Wall
Last modified on

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