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Subscribe to this list via RSS Blog posts tagged in satire
Researchers Warn of OES Danger to Pagan Elders

AP: Minneapolis, MN

University of Paganistan researchers released a report today warning of specific health risks affecting the pagan elder population.

Ossified Elder Syndrome (OES) is a condition known to affect certain pagans of the Baby Boom generation, although occasionally found among younger pagans as well.

The average OES sufferer figured everything out in 1972 and has seen no reason to reassess or reevaluate since then.

“That's dangerous in the long term,” said Dr. Tsemah Posner of Arkham University. “The pagan world has moved on since 1972.”

The newly-released 20-year study defines the condition as characterized by loss of flexibility, decreased cognitive function, and an inability to hear the voice of anyone under the age of 45.

Frequently accompanied by disorientation, unprovoked outbursts of anger, and loss of the ability to taste any flavor but bitter, OES can severely impact the quality of life of both the sufferer and those around him or her. It can, in rare cases, be fatal.

But the news is not all bad.

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US House OKs Private Ownership of Nukes, Cites Second Amendment

(Editor note: this story is satire.)

In a surprise party-line vote Tuesday, the US House of Representatives passed legislation that would legalize private ownership of nuclear weapons by American citizens.

“Today we move a step closer to realizing the original intentions of the Founding Fathers,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R) told reporters. “God bless the Second Amendment.”

Similar legislation is reportedly making its way through the Senate. “We have a mandate to keep our children safe,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R). “How do you stop some whack-o with an assault rifle? Easy: you outgun him. God bless the Second Amendment.”

President Ronald Rump has indicated that he would sign such legislation if it were to reach his desk.

“Crooked Hillary doesn't want the good people of this country to be able to own nukes, but I do,” he told FOX News yesterday.

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Posted by on in Culture Blogs
If Pagans Had Religious Police

(Doorbell.)

Good morning, blessed be.

I'm Sergeant Johnny Deer of the PRP, the Paganistani Religious Police. I'm afraid we've had some complaints about this residence.

Yes, I'm afraid it is. Ma'am, it's almost March. You really do need to put the Yule things away. We've got to keep the Wheel turning, ma'am. In this age of Climate Change, we really can't afford to take any chances.

Oh, I understand completely. Believe me, I know all about busy. On this card, you'll find a phone number to call if you need a hand; there's free assistance available from the Commonwealth for the seasonally-challenged. Turning the Wheel is everyone's job, we like to say.

The people across the street? What do you mean?

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Posted by on in Culture Blogs
Twin Cities Killer Targets Mall Santas

AP: Minneapolis

Someone is killing the shopping mall Santas of Minneapolis-St. Paul.

Since Black Friday—a name which, in retrospect, sounds increasingly ominous—a total of nine Santas at Twin Cities area malls have been found murdered and, grotesquely, beheaded.

“Clearly, we've got a sick, twisted serial killer on our hands,” said Chief Stefano Pozzo of the Minneapolis Police Department. “These look like revenge killings, but revenge for what? Coal in the stocking?”

Authorities are mystified. Perhaps the most bizarre aspect of the killings has been the presence of piles of animal droppings at every crime scene.

In each case, University of Minnesota experts have identified the droppings as those of a sheep or a goat.

Not everyone, though, is mystified by the murders.

“The droppings clinch it,” said Stephanie Fox, high priestess emerita of Minneapolis. “It's Berchta for sure.”

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Posted by on in Culture Blogs
Thirteen Surprising Facts About Cowans

Cowans are not all alike.

There are Protestant cowans, Shi'ite cowans, Hasidic cowans....

Cowans are not necessarily anti-pagan.

Some cowans actually like pagans.

Cowans don't all look alike.

Next time you're with a group of cowans, take a really close look. You'll be amazed!

Cowanism is not a single religion.

In fact, there are many different forms of cowanism.

Many cowans find the term “neo-cowan” deeply offensive.

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"Witches' Rune" Originally Sung to Stephen Foster Tune, Says Historian

AP: London

According to Wiccan historian Philip Heselton, Doreen Valiente's famous chant “Witches' Rune” was originally intended to be sung to the tune of the Stephen Foster tune, “Camptown Races.”

“According to some recently-discovered correspondence, that's the tune that she originally wrote the words to fit,” said Heselton. “Of course, since then it's been sung to many other tunes as well.”

American composer Stephen Foster (1826-1864) wrote “Camptown Races” (also known as “Camptown Ladies”) in 1850, and the tune was a favorite of Valiente's first husband, Joanis Vlachopoulos, who had learned it while in the Merchant Navy.

Although the Foster tune was Valiente's intended setting for her lyrics to what was to become a classic Wiccan liturgical chant, it never caught on with British witches, perhaps because they were unfamiliar with the American tune.

An interesting aspect of this discovery is the fact that the original words to “Witches' Rune” were slightly different from those now found in most recensions of the Book of Shadows.

According to Heselton, the first verse, along with a now-disused chorus, originally went:

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Posted by on in Culture Blogs
Letter to Nancy Pelosi

Representative:

I don't know whether or not you follow the series Game of Thrones.

Regardless, you should know that we're going to rebuild the Wall.

And we're going to get the White Walkers to pay for it.

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