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AP: Minneapolis MN

You may have heard that the word “witch” originally meant “wise one,” or “bender [of reality]”, or “waker [of the dead].”

But if Stefano Pozzo, Doctor of Philology at the University of Paganistan is correct, the word derives instead from an Anglo-Saxon adjective meaning “too busy.”

“Students of Old English, the parent language of Modern English spoken more than 1000 years ago, have long suspected the existence of an I-stem adjective wicca” said Pozzo, who pronounces the word WITCH-ah, “but until recently we had no manuscript evidence to prove it. Newly-available palimpsest studies, however, make it clear, not only that the word existed, but that its original meaning, as we had long suspected, was 'too busy.'”

Surviving Old English texts, he explained, were largely written on parchment, which at the time was a valuable resource, far too valuable simply to throw away. It was common practice to reuse old parchment by scraping off the original ink and writing a new text on the erased surface.

Pozzo noted that new computer technology has now made it possible to read erased texts, known as palimpsests, which had heretofore been inaccessible to scholars.

In a recent article, Hebrew University's Dr. Tzemakh Posner amplifies Pozzo's contention.

Just fill in the blanks.

Breathes there a Thelemite without a sense of humor?

Let no one accuse me here of disrespect; actually, as rituals go, I'm rather fond of old Uncle Al's Missa Gnostica. As for this little jeu d'esprit, it's all in good fun, my little pretty.

 All in good fun.

The Gnostic Mass

(Tune: The Monster Mash)

I was seein’ a museum late one night

when my eyes beheld an eerie sight:

a fella from a stele began to rise,

and suddenly, to my surprise

He said the Mass

(he said the Gnostic Mass)

the Gnostic Mass

(It really kicked my ass)

he said the Mass

(he said the Gnostic Mass)

the Gnostic Mass

“Seriously, what is it about witches and cannibalism?”

(Sabrina Spellman)

As every witch knows, unbaptized baby is a delicious, nutritious, and—in this overpopulated and increasingly nonreligious world—readily available food.

These days you can even get organic ones at Trader Joe's.

But—you might ask—is it really worth all the effort? And—on a strictly practical level—who has a large enough oven any more?

Now, plenty of witches have oven issues, of course: completely understandably, let me say. But do remember that, when properly jointed, what is traditionally known as hornless goat* will fit quite easily—even allowing ample room for plenty of vegetables—into the average roasting pan. If it will hold a turkey, it will hold a baby.

A Modest Proposal

Face it, folks: there's strength in numbers. We need a term that includes us all.

Once “pagan” was our prime term of art, but since (like fractious adolescents) we tend to define ourselves by rebelling against what we're not, that simply doesn't work anymore.

So here's my suggestion.

I think that we need to take a page from the GLBTQI+ playbook.

(Interestingly, both “gay” and “queer,” originally intended as terms of inclusion, have since come to be used exclusively instead. Hai mai, it's nice to know that you're not alone in the world.)

We need to come up with a long, unwieldy, mysterious string of capital letters that's constantly bloating into a longer, more unwieldy, and ever more mysterious string of capital letters that never quite manages to resolve into a pronounceable acronym.

Of course, since—for all our egocentricity—we tend to have fragile egos, we need to be as inclusive as possible when we do this.

Let's see: Witch-Warlock-Wiccan-Pagan-Heathen-Druid-Reconstructionist-Polytheist....

AP: Minneapolis, MN

Are you thoroughly sick of Yule by the time the Solstice rolls around?

Does your Yule begin the day after Thanksgiving and end on December 22?

If so, you may be suffering from a condition known as Premature Celebration.

Premature Celebration—also known as Christmasitis—is a debilitating and virulently contagious disease endemic among Americans. Characterized by temporal dislocation, manic activity followed by depression, and elevated levels of cynicism, Premature Celebration instills in the sufferer an overwhelming need to transfer activities previously reserved for the holiday itself, such as parties and rituals, to the period before the holiday.

Such a transfer, of course, inevitably results in a sense of anomie, déja vu, and exhaustion by the time that the holiday itself rolls around. In the case of Yule, it means that there's simply nothing left to do by the time Yule actually comes, because you've already done it.

Experts, for the most part, agree that Premature Celebration has more or less destroyed Christmas as a religious holiday for many American Christians. Whether or not it will have the same destructive effect in the pagan community remains to be seen.

In the days of Bush One, there lived a bulldog named Mabel.

Even as bulldogs go, Mabel was not exactly, shall we say, the brightest candle on the altar.

And this was her song:

The Mabel Song (1)

(To the tune of: Dreidel)

I know a dog named Mabel:

she has a corkscrew tail.

She's dumber than a table,

but smarter than Dan Quayle.