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Let's make Paganism great again!
Paganism used to be great. Paganism used to be the greatest religion in the world. The greatest!
And look at us now. A bunch of scared little wussies hiding behind fake names.
Scared! When we used to be great. Great!
What happened? Do you wanna know what happened? Well, I'll tell you what happened.
A great meeting of the gods was called for a certain day. As the various statues of the gods arrived from all over the world, the gatekeeper directed them.
Gold statues in rows 1 to 3, silver statues rows 4 and 5. Bronze statues in rows 6 through 10; marble statues, rows 11-20. Wooden statues in rows 21 to 40.
Now it so happened that Socrates was in attendance that day. He approached the gatekeeper.
Come, come, my friend, he chided him. A work of art cannot be judged merely on the basis of what it is made from. Some of these bronze and marble statues—even some of the wooden ones—are great masterpieces, made by the finest artists of their day. By any reasonable standard, we must hold them to be of greater value than statues of lesser craftsmanship that merely happen to be made from gold and silver.
AP: London
New evidence released by the Gardner Family Archive suggests that Gerald Gardner (1884-1964), the Father of Modern Wicca, actually renounced the religion that he was instrumental in founding just days before his death.
In a posthumously-received letter to his eldest sister, Graizell, dated February 10, 1964—two days before his death—Gardner wrote:
This Wica [sic] is a cuckoo's egg, a rum deal really. Ive [sic] done with it. Its [sic] all rot, really. Well there's an end to it then, hands washed for good and all. Who knows, maybe Ill [sic] turn Turk [convert to Islam] next.
Handwriting experts have confirmed that the letter was in fact written by Gardner.
New this year at Black Mountain Seeds:
Giant German All-Black Turnip (Brassica rapa pernigra)
Long believed extinct, this legendary heirloom turnip from the Harz mountains in Germany has long been prized by cognoscenti for its sumptuous all-black flesh.
Yes, unlike other so-called "black" turnips, the German All-Black has sweet, meaty flesh that is just as black as its skin!
Just think: no more need to laboriously stain those turnip slices with expensive, carcinogenic dyes! Just slice and serve. (The skin is so tender, you won't even need to peel 'em.) No messy clean-up either.
These cylindrical, pleasingly phallic roots (up to 13" in length) will make prepping for your next Black Mass fiendishly easy.
AP: Washington DC
Minneapolis man-in-black Steven Posch made history today by becoming the first pagan to deliver an invocation at a US presidential inauguration.
...
No, we don't worship Satan. No, we don't practice human sacrifice. No, we don't eat babies.
Gods. Is there anything more boring than Wiccans being earnest?
Give me satire over earnestness any day of the moon. The stereotypes are a tool, up there with wands and athames, handed to us on a silver pentacle.
Back when, here in Paganistan, the Besom Brigade used to show up at the Heart of the Beast May Day Parade, black steeple hats and all, doing their precision broom drills down the middle of Bloomington Avenue while chanting cadences about eating children.
AP: St. Paul, Minnesota
A spokesman for the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Minneapolis-St. Paul announced today that as of January 1, 2016 the archdiocese will be declaring moral bankruptcy.
“Over the course of the past century, the archdiocese has quite frankly done everything that it could to promote pedophilia and to protect pedophiles,” said the spokesman, who asked not to be named pending auto-da-fe. “Because of our moral cowardice, thousands, if not tens of thousands, have suffered sexual abuse.
“Given the fact that the upper echelons of power have always been fully aware of these problems, and have not only done nothing to prevent them, but have in fact done everything that they possibly could both to protect the perpetrators and to cover up their crimes, the plain fact is that we have no right to expect anyone to believe anything whatsoever that we say on any topic. Really, the only option here is to declare moral bankruptcy.”
