AP, Washington D.C.
It took nearly six weeks, but Donald Trump has finally acknowledged that he did, indeed, lose the election, and has called President-Elect Joe Biden to offer his congratulations.
“Even a big, whiny baby like me has to man up and face reality eventually,” Trump told Biden on Tuesday. “I don't know why it's taken me so long to pull my head out of my own ass. You beat me fair and square, and it's time for me to stop pouting like a spoiled little girl and admit it.”
Trump's unexpected change of heart stunned his opponent and left him momentarily speechless.
Undaunted, Trump continued. “My presidency has been a total disaster from beginning to end. I'm a loser, a moron, and an incompetent. It's time for me to get my ugly, fat ass out of here and make room for someone who can clean up the mess that I've made of this job, and of this nation.”
"I have to admit, Joe, you were right," he told Biden in a moment of uncharacteristic candor. "I really have been the worst president this country has ever had. While Americans are dying at the rate of two per minute, I've been holed up at the White House pitching hissy fits. I've totally mishandled this pandemic from the start, and the blood of more than 300,000 of my fellow-citizens is on my hands. I'll never live down the shame of it. They really should call it the 'Trump virus'."
When asked about his post-White House plans, Trump responded, “I'm finished with politics. Assuming they don't throw me in jail—where, frankly, I deserve to be—I'm going back to Mar-a-Lago and playing golf for the rest of my life. It's the only thing that I'm fit to do,” adding: “Meanwhile, I'm going to order my pathetic staff of lickspittles and toadies to do everything that they can to ease the transition to a real government. I'm delusional, a total loser, I've made a mess of everything I've touched, and it's time for me to get out of the way and let a better man take over.”
Trump's sudden about-face has stunned the Republican establishment.