Paganistan: Notes from the Secret Commonwealth

In Which One Midwest Man-in-Black Confers, Converses & Otherwise Hob-Nobs with his Fellow Hob-Men (& -Women) Concerning the Sundry Ways of the Famed but Ill-Starred Tribe of Witches.

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Researchers Warn of OES Danger to Pagan Elders

AP: Minneapolis, MN

University of Paganistan researchers released a report today warning of specific health risks affecting the pagan elder population.

Ossified Elder Syndrome (OES) is a condition known to affect certain pagans of the Baby Boom generation, although occasionally found among younger pagans as well.

The average OES sufferer figured everything out in 1972 and has seen no reason to reassess or reevaluate since then.

“That's dangerous in the long term,” said Dr. Tsemah Posner of Arkham University. “The pagan world has moved on since 1972.”

The newly-released 20-year study defines the condition as characterized by loss of flexibility, decreased cognitive function, and an inability to hear the voice of anyone under the age of 45.

Frequently accompanied by disorientation, unprovoked outbursts of anger, and loss of the ability to taste any flavor but bitter, OES can severely impact the quality of life of both the sufferer and those around him or her. It can, in rare cases, be fatal.

But the news is not all bad.

“Fortunately,” said Dr. Stephanie Fox, Chair of Epidemiology at the University of Paganistan, “OES is a reversible condition. Think of it as mental constipation. We just need to keep exercised, eat a diet high in fiber—I'm talking mental fiber here, as well as the other kind—and read a book written within the last 5 years every now and then. Most important of all: keep learning.”

“Ossification is not inevitable,” she added, concluding, “But brains need exercise, too.”

 

 

 

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Poet, scholar and storyteller Steven Posch was raised in the hardwood forests of western Pennsylvania by white-tailed deer. (That's the story, anyway.) He emigrated to Paganistan in 1979 and by sheer dint of personality has become one of Lake Country's foremost men-in-black. He is current keeper of the Minnesota Ooser.

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  • Haley
    Haley Thursday, 12 April 2018

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!

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