Paganistan: Notes from the Secret Commonwealth
In Which One Midwest Man-in-Black Confers, Converses & Otherwise Hob-Nobs with his Fellow Hob-Men (& -Women) Concerning the Sundry Ways of the Famed but Ill-Starred Tribe of Witches.
The Unlovable Vegetable, or: Kale Chips Are for Cowans
“Oh, I just love kale!”
So insists my friend. Frankly, I don't believe him.
Let's be honest here: kale is not a lovable vegetable. Bearable, yes. Lovable? Well, let's be generous and credit my friend with magical (i. e. wistful) thinking. Call it the “little lie.” You really, really want it to be so, you keep saying that it is, and eventually you may even start believing it yourself.
Well, half-believing.
As a vegetable, kale has a lot going for it. It's cold-hardy: there's kale to be had when nothing else will grow. It doesn't get much more nutritious than kale.
On the other hand, there's the flavor and the texture.
If any vegetable besides onions and garlic has a claim to be the ancestral pagan vegetable, it's probably Brassica oleracea. We've been cultivating it for the last 4000 years; every bite of kale that you eat is a taste of the Bronze Age.
Here's something that I can tell you for certain: the ancestors had more sense than to make kale chips.
Unlike contemporary food-faddists, the fore-mothers understood that kale plays best in a supporting role, not as a star. So, on the principle that any vegetable can be palatable if you know how to cook it, I set about looking at the peasant cuisines of Europe. If anyone knew how to make the most of kale's nasty rubbery texture and unappealing sulfurous flavor, I figured, it would those who had to eat it because that's what there was.
My favorites so far in the search for edible kale are incavolata, an Italian bean-kale soup thickened with corn meal, and trinxát (treen-SHUT), a scrumptious savory cake of potato, kale, and onion from the Catalan Pyrenees, Iberian kin to the Irish Samhain staple, colcannon.
The major secret to enjoyable kale seems to be to blanch it first to take off the sulfur, and then to wring it dry and mince it fine, thus getting rid of the rubber.
Oh, and another thing: if you want to enjoy your kale, don't bother with that curly shite that they overcharge shamefully for at the stores: that's a decorative, not fit to be eaten. Go instead for the black or Italian variety, known mostly here in the US by the delightful name of “dinosaur kale.”
Lately, with Spring in mind, I've been enjoying a shredded dino-kale salad with a nice scallion-y dijon vinaigrette, and lots of dried cherries and smoked almonds to give it some gustatory and textural interest. Be sure to dress your kale salads well before eating, so that the acids in the dressing have a chance to tenderize the greens.
As for chips and smoothies, well: our kind doesn't eat those.
They're only fit for cowans.
Every word's a story. Modern English kale is a Northern dialectal variant of cole (as in coleslaw), from the Latin caulis, "stem, stalk, cabbage stock" —source also of cauliflower and kohlrabi—which in turn ultimately derives from the Proto-Indo-European root *kaul-, also meaning, "stalk, stem." It's worth noting that conscientious cooks still carefully de-stem their kale to this very day.
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Kroger used to have a super foods salad made of chopped kale, blueberries and cashews. I think they had something else in there as well besides the dressing. It wasn't bad, I think it had a high ratio of blueberries to kale.