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With my mom's passing, I felt I had it handled.  I was her executor though I'm the youngest of her six kids.  The last three months have flown by and I've felt like I had a long list of things to do and no time to grieve.  I had to organize her funeral, disposal of her things, and her finances.  

As I finished one task, I felt like I was checking off a box on some crazy list I never wanted to deal with.  Mixed in with this, I kept having dreams of my mom and my dad (he died 34 years ago).  I can't tell you specifics other than they were always laughing and there was always light.  

For the past year, my father has been on my mind.  He died 34 years ago on October 25.  Whenever someone is on my mind like this, it usually means I need to do something for them.  No matter what I did, what conversation I had, I felt him hovering.  

I realized on the date of his passing, he was waiting.  My mother became ill after heart surgery November 2017.  At the time, we talked about end of life issues while she was in the hospital, nursing home, and even at the assisted living facility.  I took over her finances and while all six of us discussed health care issues, I took the lead with her care.  

Halloween.  I'm not a fan of this time of year.  There's all the horror movies and everything associated with the day.  I never dressed up as a kid or for that matter as an adult.  I never did trick or treat.  We just didn't do it.  

Now when we talk about the day being a time to honor the ancestors, this I can get into.  I'm the family historian.  I've got the genealogy records and do the research.  I've done the DNA through Ancestry (fascinating).  This is a thing for me.

My tarot deck has been replaced a few times.  Each time I've given away my favorite deck, I felt compelled to do so.  I always told myself I'll go pick out something new and different.  Each time, I bought the same deck again.  

Tarot to me is soothing and calming.  I love tapping into the energy of the cards.  I love giving readings though I don't read for others often.  When I read for myself, I look at the cards write down whatever comes to mind and then I look at what the book has to say.  I use both for interpretation.  

The room was not dark, there was no mysterious woman dressed in shawls and exotic clothes wearing finger symbols wielding tarot cards (though how you would do both those I’m not quite sure).  There was no veil of mystery.  There were just seven other women and myself, sitting around a dining room table with a box full of tarot and divination decks.  My first group tarot reading - it was a bit scary, a bit intimidating and a bit exciting.  I am not a professional reader.  Since I don’t have all the cards memorized (heck I’m lucky if I can remember my name some days), I use the books and my intuition.  I don’t charge for my readings.  I do them because people ask and I enjoy the process.  My best friend was my first guinea pig and I’d been reading for her for several years when she asked if I’d be willing to read for others in her family.  

We gathered around her grandmother’s old wood table.  I brought candles, tarot decks (and books) and faith that this group of women would make the night interesting.  I have an opening spiel I say to all the people the first time I read for them.  It goes something like “this is for entertainment purposes only.  If you take away something more than entertainment great, it is not evil; you get from the cards guidance if that is what you choose to find.”  I also give a little talk about the two “shocking” cards of Death and the Devil.  These women are all Christians and I knew these two cards would upset or intimidate them.  I wanted them to have a positive experience so before we even started readings I explained about those two cards.  

After exchanging a number of emails with an editor (not going to say the company), the woman stopped responding.  She said she was going to contact me after a certain date and didn't.  Now this was for paid work so I was hoping to be able to write for them.  It's always iffy when you nudge people via email - especially publishers because it is almost always we will let you know.  Gently I nudged.  The response I got was you aren't pagan enough for our readers.  

My first reaction was to be offended.  I'm Pagan enough for me.  I live my life according to my beliefs, doesn't that make me Pagan enough?  I've written for them in the past some well researched writing.  Now when you're talking writing.  No is a perfectly acceptable answer.  I've heard it often.  If I printed all my rejection letters, I could probably wall paper my whole house with them.  I expect rejection.  

Spring rituals mean for me that it's time to get outside and in the fields.  I've not lived on my family farm for nearly forty years but every spring when the snow melts away but we still have the ice in the breeze, I want to be on the land.

This year, I was driving to work and saw the farmers out with their huge tractors discing (not as invasive as a plow) the soil.  The gray which I relate to winter was replaced with the rich dark coffee color which means it's time to start planting.  There's a smell in the air which I have never been able to describe but it is spring.