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Whenever I’ve gone to a quiet place in my head, it’s been the same.  I find myself on a path in the woods.  It’s always fall and always leads to a pool with a waterfall.  There’s a stone there large enough for me to sit on or lean against.  For years when I sought out a quiet, centered place in my mind, inevitably this is where I’d end up.  I could feel the crisp coolness of the autumn day, smell the fresh air with a hint of drying corn (yes I grew up on a farm where we did this), and feel the bite of winter.

The other night when I sought out my center, my balance.  I didn’t go there.  I tried.  I was tired, wanted to destress and wanted the familiar and the comfortable of this scene.  My mind didn’t go there.  Even when I tried to visualize it, I couldn’t find it.  It was like a door closed in my mind.

A weekend of nothing.  It’s a dream, a fantasy to be able to do nothing for an entire weekend.  However, the nothing isn’t really nothing.  It’s a setting aside of the normal and my responsibilities to do what feeds my soul.

Life keeps me busy and as the end of the year nears with the pile up of holidays (whichever ones are celebrated) it becomes more stressful and chaotic.  This means finding ways to smooth out the chaos and stress.

Samhain or Halloween, the year is waning. The sun is out less and less (in the northern hemisphere).  The weather is more unpredictable (depending on where you are).  The dark of the year is coming. 

What does this mean?  What are we meant to do with the dark of the year?  It’s a time to harvest all the things you’ve been doing for the spring and summer.  It’s a time of year when you start to pull your energy into yourself to reflect on how you’ve been doing, where you are with your goals, and life in general.

Being overweight in a society which reveres skeletons as fashionable, I’ve learned to turn a blind eye and deaf ear; assess the strength of furniture; determine the width and depth of space and deflect looks of disgust all because I dare to be outside the norm. Contrary to what many people believe, I used to be slim, athletic and well within societal norms.  As a freshman in high school, I was on the gymnastics team and at my lowest weight of about 115 pounds.  I was also miserable.  I hurt all the time and felt conspicuous with my bones jutting out.  Even at that low of a weight I was never a size zero like one of my sisters but size twelve is certainly respectable.

Life happens and weight seemed to find me.  Low income, poor nutrition and many mistakes along the way piled on weight to my 5’4” frame.  I make no excuses as I am responsible for my situation and myself.  I’m overweight not stupid.  Life happens and this is how I am right now in this moment.  I can’t wave my magic wand and become 120 pounds again.  Honestly I don’t know that I ever want to be that thin again.  I don’t believe it was healthy for me.  However, I would like to be thinner than I am now.

Autumn brings cooler weather, trees changing colors and harvest time.  Red tomatoes, green cucumbers, apples, potatoes, onions and so much more is being harvested from gardens, orchards and farms.  The local farmers markets are flooded with garden produce. 

A tradition for my family, my middle daughter, Vicki, mom (Joan) and one of my sisters (Alicia) and I travel west of our home in late September or early October to the apple orchards near Gays Mills.  We always make a day of it since it is a couple hours drive.  So we pile into a vehicle with a cooler of sandwich fixings, bottled water and anticipation for the outing. Usually the morning starts cool and crisp with the bite of early frost in the misty morning air.

I believe most people hide behind their own mask, often more than one.  I go to work and put on my work mask.  I get together with friends or family and put on the mask they expect.  I have another for strangers - my too polite mask.  

Masks are needed in our world.  If you wear your heart on your sleeve or go without a public mask, you're in for a rough ride in our harsh world.  Masks can offer protection and comfort.  I know when I'm with certain people we will banter and tease.  I know when I'm at work, I put on another mask of polite efficiency when sometimes I just want to stay home and write.  

Monday morning dawns bright and cheerful which doesn’t match my mood at all.  After a rough night of sleep filled with pain, I only want more darkness and sleep to smooth out the rough edges.  However, I’m a responsible adult (mostly) and have to be at work. 

Somehow I have to smooth out the rough edges to get through my day.  Coffee is not something which helps me.  I’ve never liked it nor do I ever drink it.  I have to find other things which will ease my grumpiness.