Winter is upon us – in the northern hemisphere.  Harvest is done (hopefully). Nature is shutting down to rest and rejuvenate.  It’s a time when I look within to see what needs to go, what I need to let go.

This year is difficult for me as my mother is experiencing some health issues.  Now I’m the youngest of six and we all have strong opinions.  We don’t ever agree – or rarely.  But then there’s mom.  Mom is 86.  She’s feisty, sassy, stubborn, and frail in some ways (though don’t call her that or you’ll get an earful).  

My mother has always had a heart murmur.  In the last year, it was discovered one of her heart valves wasn’t functioning properly.  They put in stints a year ago.  This year the doctor wanted to do a heart valve replacement.  We as a family talked about it when she had the stints put in.  Mom decided (because she’s still on the ball) not to do anything.  

I wasn’t at the appointment but recently she decided to have the valve replacement.  She made it through the procedure and seemed to be fine.  Unfortunately, eighteen days after her procedure she ended up in the ER with a bunch of symptoms.  After a lot back and forth, it was discovered her heart valve was infected.  

Decisions had to be made.  Discussions no one wants to have were had.  Mom has a do not resuscitate order, power of attorney for both health and finances, a will, and a number of other things in place.  Legally I think we’re covered.  But the conversation had to be had – How much do we do?  She’s 86.  My mother went from active to frail and weak.  

The doctors wanted to do a test which she would have to go under anesthesia.  The first time they asked, mom was not coherent enough to make the decision.  My sister was staying with her and put out a text.  We all had the discussion.  The fear – going under anesthesia would be detrimental to her.  After many questions and discussion, all six of us decided not to allow them to do the test.  

They asked a second and third time.  Both times we stuck with our answer.  However, the second time we had to be more careful because mom was awake enough the doctors could have persuaded her to a different answer.  I explained to her what they wanted to do.  Her face told me her response but I asked her what she wanted to do.  She said she wanted to think about it.  This is mom’s code for I don’t understand or I don’t want to.  I let her think.  The nurse came in and we were talking about it.  I asked her again.  Mom’s response – I want my family to decide.  

This was a huge sigh of relief moment for me.  She’s in a vulnerable place, physically and mentally.  My job – and my siblings – is to protect her and speak for her when she can’t.  Mom is hard of hearing so when the doctors speak to her she doesn’t hear them clearly or understand what they are saying.  

We have all come to the conclusion that we may need to let our mother go.  We have to let go of how she was and accept the condition she’s currently in.  This doesn’t mean we are accepting the status quo or refusing treatment.  We are all hoping she recovers.  At the same time, we are preparing for the possibility she won’t recover.  

Letting go is hard.  It’s not easy.  It sounds easy but it isn’t.  I know I’m struggling with accepting things as they are.  Yet I also know my mother voiced strong opinions about not wanting to be kept alive.  For this winter, I hope I don’t have to let go but at the same time I’m preparing to let go.  It might be time.