Solitary: A Self-Directed Spiritual Life

Let's talk. Come sit with me under a tree or by a lake while we chat about being alone in our practice and our beliefs. Solitary practitioners choose this path for many reasons and have a unique perspective. As a solitary witch, I want to share how I keep true to my beliefs and practices whether I'm working on my own, in a small group or attending a large group gathering. Author of Moon Affirmations, meditations based on the phase of the moon.

  • Home
    Home This is where you can find all the blog posts throughout the site.
  • Tags
    Tags Displays a list of tags that have been used in the blog.
  • Bloggers
    Bloggers Search for your favorite blogger from this site.
  • Login
    Login Login form

Passing of a Crone

For the past year, my father has been on my mind.  He died 34 years ago on October 25.  Whenever someone is on my mind like this, it usually means I need to do something for them.  No matter what I did, what conversation I had, I felt him hovering.  

I realized on the date of his passing, he was waiting.  My mother became ill after heart surgery November 2017.  At the time, we talked about end of life issues while she was in the hospital, nursing home, and even at the assisted living facility.  I took over her finances and while all six of us discussed health care issues, I took the lead with her care.  

For the last year, I've tried to balance what health care would help her and what would be too excessive.  In October, the assisted living facility called to say my mother was not doing well and looked yellow.  Immediately, I got her a doctor's appointment and called my sister who usually went with her to the doctor.  I left work on that day when she called to say mom was being taken to the hospital ER for tests.  

Mom was in pain.  Every time someone touched her she was in pain.  During all of this I kept thinking of my dad.  I could feel his presence and asked him if we were doing the right thing.  I never got an answer - I rarely do when I ask.  

Mom went from the local hospital to the big city hospital.  I traveled to the big city and was met by my niece.  We saw her settled, talked with the doctor and made a few more decisions.  Mom's power of attorney was activated because she had no idea what was going on. 

Two days I spent talking to doctors and sitting in the hospital with mom.  She was in and out of consciousness and awareness.  I talked to a hospitalist and a specialist.  We had that conversation about what can be done and what should be done.  While my siblings weren't in the room with me, I still felt supported by them and by my dad.  I felt he was with me while I listened to all the options.  

Decisions were made by the siblings.  We all knew the risks.  Most of us came together to wait out the procedure they were going to do.  I felt my father hovering, pacing between all his girls. 

Mom did not make it.  I knew and accepted.  She lingered.  We were shown to her room and given chairs, offered food, and compassion.  The five daughters and one of the nieces sat in her room talking about life with mom.  The memories were good, talk of food - dry meatloaf but delicious rice pudding.  Our conversation covered it all - the way mom made Christmas special with candles in all the windows on Christmas eve and our traditions of working in the barn before coming in to change into pajamas before we could see what Santa brought.  Or the way she put a kibosh on chore trading when she found out those who liked inside chores would trade outside chores with those who liked outside chores (and vice versa).  We all  had to learn how to cook, clean, tend the animals and so on.  We all helped with baking on Saturday and laundry on Monday.  We talked about the Sunday dinners and the gatherings.  We talked and talked. 

Mom lay in her bed.  I want to think she listened and heard our laughter and love.  Everyone took time to lean over her and say what they needed to.  At one point, we asked how long they thought this would take.  It sounds unfeeling we all lived a distance away and had been up since very early.  My sister and niece left.  The four of us remaining chatted about more practical things like who was taking what from the room and when we would deal with her apartment.  

Two more of my sisters opted to leave.  I hadn't said anything to mom yet.  My oldest sister and I had been the ones to deal with mom's stuff.  Any financial or medical issues she turned to us.  One of the nurses came in while I was at mom's bedside.  We asked about her breathing.  I pressed my hand to her cheek and told her to go to dad.  She took one long shuddering breath and left us. 

I didn't always get along with my mother.  I rarely agreed with her.  We found a balance to our relationship.  In the last year, I saw how frail she was in body - almost never in spirit.  She passed on October 12.  She taught me so much even as we disagreed and clashed.  In the end, I loved and respected her but I know it was time for her to be with dad.  

Last modified on
As a solitary, I consider myself a pagan witch who is seeking. Residing in rural Wisconsin, by day I work as a clerical worker and at night I spend my spare time writing. Writing is my way of expressing my feelings about my world and life. Raised on a farm, I have a love for nature and am inspired by the beauty and power I find there. I've been married for 33 years and have three adult daughters. Some of my other interests include cooking, genealogy, reading and crocheting.  
Author's recent posts


  • Tyger
    Tyger Saturday, 08 December 2018

    My heartfelt condolences. I recently lost my parents.

  • Eileen Troemel
    Eileen Troemel Sunday, 09 December 2018

    I'm so sorry for your loss. My father passed away 34 years ago in October as well. So on top of dealing with the anniversary of his death, my mother passed away. I'm doing the best I can to honor both my parents.

  • Please login first in order for you to submit comments

Additional information