My Mother Path
My path through discovering myself as a mother, teacher and self.
Judgements
I pride myself as being part of a family unit that is not quick to judge people. We have raised the kids to look at the bigger picture, listen to others, do some investigation before judging. Give the person some time to show their true self. When you are quick to judge, you miss out on a potential trustworthy friendship.
Yet, as I write this, I find us judging a young man. And I'm torn.
Here is the reason why:
He is a senior in a local high school - not the one my children attend - and has taken an interest in our youngest daughter who is a freshman.
We are basing these judgments on several factors - the age difference, his social media pages, his parents' social media pages, his friends and their social media pages as well as one of his friends had briefly dated our older daughter. He tried to push the relationship along faster than what would be comfortable at nearly 30 days into a new first-time relationship, and our daughter told him that they could no longer date. (Proud parent moment)
Our kids were baptized Lutheran, and even though that has been the foundation of their religious belief, we also have taught them to keep an open mind and learn about other religions as you may not know where your future will take you or who you may meet.
With that said, I'm still bothered by our judgement of this young man. He seems nice, polite and caring. If social media were not a "thing", would we like this boy? Have we gone too far in investigating him just to ease our minds?
And, with all that I wrote above four days ago, today I am re-reading and realize that our feelings were also joined by our youngest as she spent time with him - at our house - which was supposed to be only a "little while" turned into a four hour visit and things were said, feelings expressed that made her uncomfortable. She said that he was pressing for a more serious relationship than what she was comfortable joining into. So she told him to back off. He got mad and then sad. She is standing her ground though.
So here is the question, at what point should you trust your judgments?
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Personally, I think all the right steps were taken. Sounds to me like you were less judgmental and more just wary and cautious. To me at least (YMMV), "judging" him would have been to not give him a chance at all based on everything you knew . . . and you knew a lot, all things considered. But your daughter gave him a chance, you gave him a chance - you were aware of your thoughts and concerns regarding him but remained open to possibilities. The fact that he bore out your gut feelings tells me they were correct. There's a fine line between judgmental and discerning, but it's an important one. It's vital to be open and not quick to judge, but it's also important not to be so guarded against being judgmental that you sacrifice honest discernment.
Thank you for sharing this! That can't have been easy. It made me think about my own discernments and judgments as well (I try not to have them, but I'd be lying if I said I never did).