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Posted by on in Culture Blogs


In Which Our Intrepid Blogger Ties a Knot in Putin's Dick


Magic has always been the power of the powerless.”

(Bruner Soderberg)


Gods: where is a suicide bomber when you need one?

In the technical language of magic, a ligature is a spell of binding: in particular, the binding of a man's sexual potency.

(Whether or not there exists a female equivalent, I don't know. Reply hazy, try again later.)

To ligate is to tie off with a ligature; the act itself is ligation. Ligature refers specifically to the cord with which one does the binding. The word comes from Latin: perhaps the Red Crests, themselves no mean imperialists, were especially adept at this particular magical technique.

I suppose that, in a way, it's consoling to be reminded that, when it comes to politics, Americans have no corner on either narcissism or stupidity. (Even considering Putin's longstanding inferiority complex vis à vis the West, though, outsmarting the Trumpster is still a pretty low bar of achievement.)

Still, when it comes to despicable, you've got to admit that Vovchik's right up there with the Donny-boy himself. A man who stoops to poisoning his enemies really can't sink much lower.

Compared to cowardice like that, what is an act of magic? Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, man without honor, I tie a knot in your dick.

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Posted by on in Culture Blogs
Closening the Ties That Bind

You can further empower your friendship amulets by knotting them in accordance with the laws of magic. If the cord binding your bags is knotted nine sacred times, you will have increased greatly the power of the spell. Nine is the number of idealism, altruism, generosity, tolerance, and sacrifice. Here is a rhyme to recite as you bind:

By knot of one, the spell is begun.
By knot of two, it comes true.
By knot of three, so mote it be.
By knot of four, ’tis strengthened more.
By knot of five, the magic is alive. 
By knot of six, this spell shall I fix.
By knot of seven, the planets in heaven.
By knot of eight, I have sealed my fate.
By knot of nine, this work is divine.
So shall it be.

You can also make a magic knotted cord to tie around a paper scroll. On the paper might be a written desire, a spell, or a wish expressed to a friend in a letter.

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