“Seriously, what is it about witches and cannibalism?”

(Sabrina Spellman)

As every witch knows, unbaptized baby is a delicious, nutritious, and—in this overpopulated and increasingly nonreligious world—readily available food.

These days you can even get organic ones at Trader Joe's.

But—you might ask—is it really worth all the effort? And—on a strictly practical level—who has a large enough oven any more?

Now, plenty of witches have oven issues, of course: completely understandably, let me say. But do remember that, when properly jointed, what is traditionally known as hornless goat* will fit quite easily—even allowing ample room for plenty of vegetables—into the average roasting pan. If it will hold a turkey, it will hold a baby.

As for difficulty of preparation, let me assure you: it's all in the technique. Once you know what you're doing, the process is no harder than roasting a turkey. For first timers, there's plenty of “how to” information on the web (just search: “hornless goat, preparation”). And thank Bensozia for Youtube: the instructional videos that you can find there will make your enfant rôti the talk of the covendom.

By the way, in case you've ever wondered about the traditional preference for unbaptized meat, well, there's really a very practical reason: it's the difference between tough and tender.

Baptism ruins the texture.

Good hunting, and happy eating!

*For the benefit of those new to the Craft, let me mention that, in European-derived traditions, the socially acceptable name for unbaptized food these days is hornless goat. The term long pig is culturally specific, and its extra-cultural appropriation is inauthentic at best, if not downright offensive.