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With my mom's passing, I felt I had it handled.  I was her executor though I'm the youngest of her six kids.  The last three months have flown by and I've felt like I had a long list of things to do and no time to grieve.  I had to organize her funeral, disposal of her things, and her finances.  

As I finished one task, I felt like I was checking off a box on some crazy list I never wanted to deal with.  Mixed in with this, I kept having dreams of my mom and my dad (he died 34 years ago).  I can't tell you specifics other than they were always laughing and there was always light.  

Life for me has been in a state of fast forward.  In January my husband and I both went through some health issues - nothing life threatening but still concerning.  We spent a lot of time in Urgent Care, doctor's offices, and my husband had a outpatient procedure.  

In March, my daughter announced she got a job close to home and was moving home.  We spent March and April packing, moving, and organizing.  We're still working on the organizing.  It seems like my weekends for the last few months have all been hurry up and get stuff done.  Of course not all of it gets done which then add to the stress.  

"The disseminating moon is nearly full but not quite. It has faded from full but is more than half illuminated. This is the phase of the moon where you switch from sending your energy out into the world to looking within yourself to see what is working well and what needs changing. You have brought in all the positive energy of the waxing moon. Now it is time to use that energy to discard the chaff in your life. What needs to change? Even the most balanced and positive person can have problems letting go. At these times you have to accept that some chaos is bound to occur and you have to just ride through the bumpy rapids. This phase is about small changes and preparing to let go of the negative aspects of your life. These meditations help you begin that process." Moon Affirmations

Like the change in the moon, this is a time to make small changes.  What is one thing you do or say about yourself which is negative?  Do you stand in front of the mirror and say - I don't like - fill in the blank.  I have done this often.  I don't like my face, never have.  The nicest thing I could say about my face was I had nice eyebrows and unique eye color (hazel so brown/green).  

Spring is supposed to be about cavorting and frolicking through the new grass and flowers.  Except in my world, spring is about work.  It’s about being done with the fallow times of winter and moving forward with all the projects. 

Growing up on a farm, spring was spent walking through the fields, picking rocks, preparing the land for planting.  Now as an adult and no longer living on the farm, I find myself missing the distinctiveness of spring. 

What better day of the month to release that which no longer serves me, that which harms me and holds me back, than the night before the new moon?

I feel like I've been carrying the weight of the grieving world on my shoulders for the last few weeks.  Perhaps for the last few months.  And I've come very close to my breaking point.

My daily tarot card had been a series of reversals. The Lovers in reverse, the Death card in reverse, everything pointing to letting go of a past that seems to hold me hostage. Hostage to the doubt of not being good enough. Hostage to a body I did not wish to have. Hostage to a heartache that never seemed to abate. Hostage to past mistakes where the universe had let go, and yet I still lived in a vortex of fear, subterfuge, and suffering.

How many of us are living our lives like this?  Were we are a captive hostage attached to suffering!  Why is letting go, and moving on so hard? And how can we develop that into a stillness of heart and mind to lead us from suffering and into sweetness?

Over the last week or so I've been systematically going through my house and sorting my various possessions into two piles: What I'll keep and what I'll get rid of. So far I've managed to cull quite a bit of my possessions, which I'm pleased about because they can hold you down sometimes. This time of year is perfect for this kind of work. People are in a reflective mood, looking back over the previous year, while also starting to plan toward the future, like Janus. The act of sorting your possessions is simultaneously a releasing of the past and an embrace of the future. You let go of what is holding you back and open yourself up to the possibilities.

You might not think that your possessions would weigh you down to the past, other than through the obvious physical reality they embody, but with anything you have there is always an emotion and memory attached to it, if not more than one. In some cases you can rewrite those memories by making new ones. I've done that a lot over the last few years, but in other cases, it can be good to just let go of the memories and emotions by letting go of the possessions. In my case that includes letting go of 8 crates of books, which served their purpose, but now is just a lot of weight, emotionally and physically to continue carrying around.