It's the festival season and I just spent the weekend at Castlefest. Castlefest is not, exactly, a Pagan festival but it was--and probably still is, although they're fading to the background--the festival Pagans flocked to. There is a Pagan corner of the festival terrain, a wicker burning of which the Pagan gang is in charge and many Pagan supplies can be bought there. Incense, clothing, tools, you name it. Even statues of some Pagan Gods. It sounds like Pagan heaven and in a way it is. Yet, I don't feel at home there.

I wrote yesterday that the biggest difference between me and any other Pagan there, seems to be in our views about Deity and how to approach Them. As I said then, any Recon tradition forces you to actually believe in the Gods, not as just handy tools to get your own needs fulfilled. Cara Schulz, in the very post I went off on before, but explained why later, recognizes that very problem:

Schulz describes exactly my thoughts on the situation. Walking around a Pagan festival makes me realize how much I have removed myself from the Pagan banner. This change happened long before my actual progression into Hellenismos. It happened when I couldn't get through a ritual without shutting down my mind about the Christian elements, it happened when I tried to strike up meaningful communication with Pagans about their practice and found no link at all, it happened when I felt myself getting annoyed at the casual 'use' of the Gods so prevalent in some Witchcraft Traditions.

Lauren DeVoe, fellow PaganSquare blogger, coincidentally picked a related topic to blog about today. In her post 'Approaching Deity', she talks about the vows we make to Deity and the ease with which some break those vows when they no longer fit comfortably in the (religious) life they had envisioned for themselves. When things get dark and scary and demanding--a clear sign you may have gotten in over your head--it's easy to try and get out. But you can't. Because these are Gods and Goddesses and although you might not have actually believed They existed, They have taken an interest in your life, just like you asked for.

In my life, I have only broken a single vow to a Goddess; I parted ways with blessed Brighid. It took me a year to do so and I cried, felt guilty, and would only accept this break to be happening when Brighid herself gave me some very clear signs. I was released, in love, at a point in my life where we both realized we could not be there for each other anymore. And it hurt. It hurt more than almost anything else has in my life. I can still feel that hollow space where Brighid's presence used to be, but it still feels right to have done what I did and, at the risk of hubris, I feel Brighid still mothers over me from afar.

Sometimes, the general response I feel from the Pagan community when I express my devotion to Deity, is a raised eyebrow and the feeling I'm taking this whole 'deity thing' too seriously. It's exactly that feeling that intensifies when I go to a Pagan festival; I feel like an outsider because I can't relate to the worldview and view on Deity. I don't care about meditations to 'discover the Goddess in you' or a workshop spell pouches making. They are wonderful for a good few other Pagan Traditions and I like watching people enjoy themselves with these activities. Watching them come out of meditation invigorated and strengthened is a glorious sight to behold. But it does nothing for me. It never really has, although I tried really, really hard in the past.

I will still go to Pagan festivals, and next year, I will go to Castlefest again. I'll go for the atmosphere and the friends who I can hang with there. But I won't hunt the shops in the hopes of finding anything Hellenic, I won't hang around the Pagan part of the festival in the hopes of finding anything to relate to. I'll listen to the music I never listen to, I'll hunt for food I like and gawk at the outfits. I'll try not to feel alone. And I'll enjoy it, just like I did this year, when I focus on my friends and leave my Pagan soul at the entrance gates.